The Sexless Innkeeper (Barney)

‘Twas the night before New Years
and the weather grew mean
It was three in the morning
and I was stranded in Queens!

The tavern grew empty
the gaslights grew dim
the horse-drawn carriages
were all but snowed in.

Last call was approaching
and my fortunes looked bleak
then I turned to my left
and stifled a shriek.

She had a peach fuzz beard
and weighed sixteen stone
She gobbled up hot wings
and swallowed the bones.

I muffled a scream
and threw up in my mouth
I asked, “where do you live?”
and she said, “one block south.”

I swallowed my pride
and six shots of whiskey
and prayed to the gods
that she wasn’t too frisky

Back in her cave
She prepared us a snack
‘neath her mighty hooves
the floorboards did crack.

But when she returned
she found a sound sleeper
and thus she became
the sexless innkeeper.

The Sexless Innkeeper (Ted)

‘Twas the night before this one
I had hours to kill
I sat in the tavern
grading parchments with quill

A busty young lassie
flashed me a grin
Her garb said classy
but her eyes whispered sin

She said, “you’re a teacher?”
I said, “yes indeed.”
“I must have you,” she moaned.
“I’m turned on by tweed!”

With haste we did scamper
to my chamber anon
Fell to the couch
and, bro, it was on.

I unlaced her bodice
our passions grew deeper
and thus ends the tale
of the sexless innkeeper.